Positively positive… NOW
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Well, I suppose I better start with the excuses of why I am
so late blogging this week… well not really excuses. It’s been a full on week.
The boys are on holiday, I’ve been working on lots of projects, sorting the
house out and yesterday was the 26th anniversary of Hillsborough
which is always a day of reflection for me.
Down to business. Do you ever bite the bullet and set wheels in motion then spend time convincing yourself you are not clever enough or people won’t take you seriously? I do and it drives me insane. It most definitely is my life challenge and believe me I have come so far from how I was even three years ago. It is probably the one single thing that has held me back in my life. I fight it every day, thankfully it is becoming less overwhelming and more of a driving force to push myself out of the comfort zone. It has also driven me to ensure the boys do not suffer from self-doubt yet remain humble and thankful.
Crushing the negativity and inner demons
Down to business. Do you ever bite the bullet and set wheels in motion then spend time convincing yourself you are not clever enough or people won’t take you seriously? I do and it drives me insane. It most definitely is my life challenge and believe me I have come so far from how I was even three years ago. It is probably the one single thing that has held me back in my life. I fight it every day, thankfully it is becoming less overwhelming and more of a driving force to push myself out of the comfort zone. It has also driven me to ensure the boys do not suffer from self-doubt yet remain humble and thankful.
Isn’t it funny how we subconsciously rebel against our own
childhood experiences? I never felt I had support to follow my dreams and was
too easily talked out of them. My ideas were always met with, at best, apathetic
enthusiasm and that is looking at it optimistically! Unfortunately, surrounding
myself with the wrong people meant I gave up and accepted a job and career path
that was predictable and ‘normal’. Being diagnosed with Menieres was the
catalyst for change. It led me to analysing everything in my life including my
relationships.
Unknowingly, I had surrounded myself with people who were
happy for me to have clipped wings. I only have myself to blame but it is much
easier to just go with the flow. It’s not right but it’s much easier. THIS WAS
NOT ME! I am fighter, always have been since being born with the umbilical cord
wrapped around my neck at birth. I had become everything I despised.
Breaking the Mould
It is tough breaking the mould. I understand now what some
many wise people were trying to tell me years ago. I wish I had understood back
then. To physically and mentally stand up against the ‘norm’ and finally take
the plunge into your own life is scary, lonely at times but courageous and rewarding
in ways you can never imagine.
I fight every day to maintain my standards, my principles. I
want my boys to be brought up to understand equality, freedom, right and wrong,
the importance of truth, honesty and integrity. Most days I am swimming against
the tide and it is exhausting. The easiest life would be to concede my beliefs
and go with the flow. I understand why people settle for this, I really do but
it is not me. BEEN THERE – GOT THE SCARS! I am always being told, “You do what
you want anyway!” As if making my own choices is the worst thing in the world.
Those people, though, are the very people who tried to clip my wings.
We are all a blank canvas that changes through choices,
experiences and time. I am my OWN person. I live within my own standards and
within the law. That is all people should be concerned with. Everything else is
my business.
I no longer surround myself with the wrong people. I no
longer do things through duty – that’s not being unsociable, it is being true
to who I have become. It is so gratifying for the penny to drop and peace
reigns over my lovely little family.
PhD – A whole new level
The PhD is the most selfish thing I have done in my life. It
is my own personal goal but I think we, as a family, are now in a position for
me to do this. I have discussed it at length with the boys and their
unequivocal support makes me so proud. It makes my decision even easier but no
less daunting.
The boys are strong and independently minded. That is and
will always be my greatest achievement although my work is not complete yet. It
is rewarding to be able to influence, not control; to nurture, not stunt their
growth; to guide them rather than force them. Life is not all sweetness and
roses, I know that more than most. The boys need to understand that but also need to know
the world can be a magical, wonderful place with some extraordinary people
doing amazing things, however small that positive contribution is. The greatest
gift given to a child is the ability to be a decent human being, devoid of
prejudicial judgement. It is not easy!
Never underestimate a parent’s role in
the shaping of future generations.
Writing
In between researching and drafting proposals, I have been
editing my work and writing new material. Oh and I have submitted some short
stories for publication. There’s no limit to what you can do once you surround
yourself with positivity and eliminate most of the negativity.
Rugby League
Last week I watched two fabulous games of rugby. Wes played
in the home game in which they won 54 22. It was a great performance and my
baby seem to come of age right in front of me! The second was Sheffield Eagles
v Leigh Centurions. It was great to watch it with Wes and we had great fun. The
last five minutes sealed the loss for the Eagles but the result did not in any way
reflect the Eagles’ performance.
#JFT96
Tuesday 15th April 2015 was the 26th
anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster – TWENTY SIX YEARS OF FIGHTING FOR
JUSTICE! Ninety six children, men and women lost their lives and hundreds, if
not thousands of other lives were changed forever.
I am in awe of all the families and survivors who have
fought all this time for truth and justice. Anne Williams lost her son on the
fateful day. Anne fought tirelessly until she lost her battle with cancer on
the 18th April 2013. Anne is my hero. Someone who showed
unimaginable determination, humility, dignity and fortitude to carry on even
when the establishment slammed doors in her face. A true, working class hero
who showed me how to be a formidable Mum. RIP Anne – justice is coming.
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