Live IT & Love IT

No matter how many times I say, “that is it. I’m going to be more selfish, treat people as they treat me…” it doesn’t work. I can’t do it. I have fought my entire life to NOT confirm to the “I’m alright Jack” society. I am proud, although exhausted, to have brought the boys up to think critically about the world, to not be afraid to question things and to stand up for their own beliefs. Swimming against the tide is shattering and demoralising at times. It is easy to conform. There is a consequence to living life with humility, humanity, love, hope and decency… you will be judged, ridiculed and will, without doubt, get hurt, usually by cold hearted, selfish and manipulative people. BUT each encounter with that type of person, makes you stronger and more resilient. A survivor. I am a fighter and which, at time I am exhausted, I will never give up hope for a better world for everyone. I want to eradicate poverty, inhumanity and inequality. Now I am proud to be totally ali...

The biggest lesson I learned from dealing with bullies and narcissists, was to ensure the boys could always talk about their feelings and tell me if they had any worries, including if I was doing something wrong that was distressing them. I consciously put a full support mechanism in place without them even knowing it. As soon as they could talk, I openly asked them daily how they were feeling, had they any worries, had they had any problems if they were not with me. It became a habit they fell into and part of our automatic routine. The sweetest thing I ever experienced was Wes coming home from school when Lucas was about two or three years old and Lucas asking Wes if he had any problems today? Did he want to talk about them? So cute but proved the technique was really working. Honestly, my heart almost burst with pride. Nowadays, we all open and honest with each other… brutal at times! It is something outsiders rarely understand but it works for us and I know the boys wi...

It's such an old fashioned, ignorant term that invokes so much anger in me. I have been accused of putting my boys first… YES… shock horror… Mother puts her children first! Like that is a terrible thing! Maybe if some parents had put their children first, they could have taught them how to respect themselves and more importantly, respect everyone in society especially women. Let me break down my parenting style into very simple terms. I do, very much, consciously, put my boys and their needs first and foremost, over everything. That is my job! I brought them into this world, I am responsible for making them good citizens and I sure as hell am responsible for their physical and mental wellbeing. I am also the best person to teach them how to treat everyone with respect and equality, that starts by ensuring they have the right values for themselves. People can criticise me all they want… go ahead, have a pop! I look at the boys with immense pride and realise both c...

Well I thought I had done well the last couple of months with virtually no symptoms other than the persistent tinnitus. Until I visited the White Rose shopping centre that is! Honestly, why they must put speckles or patterns into the flooring is beyond me. Wes and I went yesterday afternoon to buy a very special gift for an incredibly special man in my life. I was not too worried as I had been so well and life is great now with lots of exciting things to look forward to and hope for our futures. Within five minutes of being in the centre, my body temperature began to rise. The noise, the lights, the flashes, the patterns on the floor, the people bumping into me, the quick movements to get out of their way all started to become too much. The panic starts to set in. Can I stay on my feet? Can people see me panicking? Am I making a fool of myself? How embarrassing would it be to fall in front of all these people. Would they think I was drunk in the afternoon!!! I tried to sta...

One thing social media has taught me is, the world is inundated with self-centred people who think everyone else’s world revolves around them. All they are concerned about are themselves and will blame anyone for their own failures to get off their backsides and go get what they want.   I am sick of hearing “oh immigrants take our jobs” from people who won’t take steps to improve themselves and they certainly will not leave their families and home countries to seek a better life for themselves. It is time to weed out the self-centred, ignorant people who do not care about other human beings. And don’t even get me started on the uneducated drivel!! Thankfully my boys will NOT be posting racist, sexist, misogynistic posts. Why? Because they have respect of other human beings and for themselves. It makes me proud to know even at eleven, my youngest is more socially aware some of the adults I encounter. It is not left wing to treat everyone equally... it is the right thing dec...

I haven’t posted in while. You know what they say… time flies when you’re having fun… or is it just not enough time to achieve all I want to achieve in this short life especially when I’ve wasted too much time on the wrong people! It is so important for me the boys have the right guidance which I never got! Still, I’m glad I’ve found my own way even if the path has been bumpy, hilly, curvy, led to dead ends and back again! The last few weeks have been super hectic. I’m finishing my dissertation, taking professional skills test in literacy and numeracy, sitting a skills knowledge enhancement course in computer science, still writing and most importantly of all, supporting the boys, especially Lucas who has had a tough few weeks at the hands of adult bullies at school. Passive aggressive behaviour is abhorrent! Thankfully, he has left there now and moving on to High School. He is SO ready for it. I feel guilty I cannot take them on holiday this summer but they tell me they...

My blog posts are going to be a bit irregular for the next few months.   I am finishing my Masters dissertation and preparing to start my PGCE in Secondary Education Computer Science which starts in September. I am doing a twelve-week knowledge enhancement course and loving every minute of it. It really helps that I am passionate about computing and ensuring our next generation of workers are not sold down the swanny, my Government who fails to plan for the future!! Both the Masters and SKE have been a revelation for me. They have not just reinforced my passion for the subject, they have given me a much-needed confidence boost making me realise how much I already know. When I think of ten years ago when I received that dreaded letter advising me I no longer had a job due to my illness and look at where we are now, I cannot help but smile. Yes, I have days when I think “why am I bothering” but they are usually triggered by some ignorant wally who wants to push my buttons...

NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!!! I have not written a blog for a few weeks. In all honesty, I have been struggling. When did the UK Establishment become such a callous and cold beast? I don’t know why I’m surprised at how poorly it has treated people caught up in the Grenfell fire. Let’s face it, the Establishment has been this nasty since Thatcher. Neo liberalism and Conservatism has turned the UK into a callous, uncaring Establishment, totally the opposite of us Brits and how we react when our communities suffer. I don’t know how anyone can cause the death of innocent people and live with the consequences or to continue to lie. Whatever happened to personal integrity, humanity and doing the right thing? It makes me sick! But it has been like this since the 1980s. Hillsborough, Orgreave, Shrewsbury, child sex exploitation, Grenfell and others are all symptoms of a self-serving elitist bunch of politicians who do not understand what makes their own people tick. Up until Jeremy Corbyn,...

No one sees the true struggle of an invisible illness. For a long time, I literally hid mine, pretended it did not exist. If I forgot something or couldn't string a sentence together in front of people, I would simply try to gloss over it. Trouble is, people, especially nasty people, don't brush over it. They pounce on at as a weakness. They attack you thinking they've hit a major flaw and they capitalise, exploit it. SHAME ON THEM! When they do this, you go into defensive mode – it's natural but unnecessary mechanism. Nevertheless, it is the natural response to nasty people. When I was personally attacked, I did two things: Retreated into myself causing anxiety and depression on top of the anxiety and depression caused by Meniere's. Started feeling really negative about Meniere's Disease. The insecurity caused is exactly what the bullies want and seek but when you're fighting illness and pain every day, the last thing you need is more...