If you're not angry and ashamed ... you are part of the problem

 I wrote this blog post in 2015 https://beyondthepast13.blogspot.com/.../all-i-can-say...

BUT this current shower of Tories take conscious callousness to a whole new level with an opposition that is too weak to take them on!

On the day (Friday) they issue a mandatory online learning option to schools, the Department of Education send an email reducing each schools free laptop allocations. One of our local schools needed 160+, they were allocated 63 initially then told Friday night - the start of half term - this would be reduced to just 13!! How on earth can teachers allocate these fairly? This is putting more pressure on teaching staff who are doing an amazing job. They are being forced to work even in Tier 3 restrictions!

The Govt has given £112million to a company (two contracts) Computacenter whose founder's wife gave £100,000 to the Conservative Party. https://schoolsweek.co.uk/96m-laptop-contracts-went-to.../

WE SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED!! The level of corruption during this pandemic is astounding and the Tories have the nerve to say Labour are capitalising from it!

Our most vulnerable children are being starved and are not being given the tools to learn. This is NOT levelling up! It makes me so angry and distraught. I am fortunate in that , in spite of our personal circumstances, we are managing. I can also understand when people are NOT self isolating. How can they if they are being told feeding their kids is their responsibility in a pandemic!!

I can not do much over the next two years as I have to finish my PhD - ironically I am trying to improve the chances of all children receiving computing education.

Once I have completed it, I fully intend to take on this corrupt political system, the one that demonised the one politician who wanted to tackle corruption and poverty head on! I am angry and you should be TOO!

Stay safe everyone

Pam

Vestibular Migraine - not "just a headache"

Unless you suffer from an illness you never really appreciate how debilitating it is, and I include doctors in this. I remember discussing with my GP the symptoms I was suffering from and her telling me “you don’t feel that way with Meniere’s”, only to find when I discussed these issues with fellow sufferers, many of them suffered the same symptoms and their consultants had confirmed these were part and parcel of the illness.

 

Meniere’s Disease and Vestibular Migraine are misunderstood and can devastate peoples’ lives to differing degrees. It is very difficult to explain to people what they are and when you do, people zone out or comment “I get dizzy sometimes” or “it’s just a headache. Go to bed and take some pills.” It's right up there with "well, you don't look ill!!!"

 

I thought I would give you an insight of one of my Vestibular Migraine attacks. Stress, salt and rapid changes in air pressure are my biggest triggers although others can include sensory overload, shopping centres and crowded places are a nightmare. I am currently in the third day of my latest attack.

 

Day One

I woke up with what I call, a sober hangover. The aching starts at the back of my head, behind my ears. The tinnitus becomes louder and my hearing very patchy. The irritability starts because I can’t hear everything people are saying, and my ears become full and super sensitive to the point I want to scream “shut the f*ck up!”

 

The aching spreads down my neck into my shoulder and chest and when I try and move the room spins, yet sitting still, the walls feel as though they are closing in.

 

After a few hours of this and feeling sick, I have a very weird sensation in my eyes. They feel blurry yet light seems ultra-bright, painfully bright. That’s when I notice the sickness the most. Even remembering to breathe requires effort and energy I don’t really have.

 

Bedtime is difficult. Getting comfortable is a nightmare, I need to find a part of my head that does not hurt when I lay down. I cannot move too fast otherwise the room spins.  When I close my eyes, I have the sensation that things are moving around in the darkness, increasing the sickly feeling … a bit like watching a scary movie when the actor is moving through pitch black rooms … why don’t they put the blooming light on? 

 

Three to five hours sleep is a good night!

 

Day Two

Waking up, I dread to think how the day is going to pan out. It feels like I have been in the ring with Mike Tyson. My whole-body aches and it’s as if the brain signals are not getting through to my limbs … a bit like when CP30 malfunctions! But … the pain in the neck and head is overwhelming. Even my chest aches today as well as my fingers! 

Just getting dressed is a challenge and very tiring especially trying to stop the shaking but I won’t be defeated and stay in bed even though it is scary and depressing. 

 

By lunchtime, I couldn’t bear sitting on the sofa any longer. I had tried reading and writing but no focus and couldn’t cut through the brain fog. I baked. Probably, from a health and safety point of view, it was not the wisest move, but I positioned everything well and minimised any sudden movements. I need to accomplish something even on my worst days. I was sweating buckets and shaking after I finished but I did it. I feel better if I keep going, a defiant act! By the evening though, the pain had extended to my jaw and nose. I was back to feeling like a Zombie. Flickering eyes, very hot panicky feeling. Breathe!

 

It is bedtime again and I dread it but it’s a vicious cycle. If I don’t rest, the illness will not subside. This alien life form needs putting back in its hole after it has drained me of life. Once sleeping, the nightmares are disturbing. Last night, I was looking for Bobby (my dog) in the street I have not lived in over 20 years. I stumbled across a factory, in the next street, that was experimenting on humans and dogs! Bobby returned home bleeding! Scary!!!

 

Day three (today)

I woke up really anxious, barely being able to breathe. The tinnitus screaming through my head. I lay there thinking “is today going to go back to normal.” It made me laugh as there is nothing in my life that is normal, even on good days! 

 

I gingerly moved. Nope … not quite there but improving. My vision is still blurry, my ears feel full and fit to burst, my jaw aches and my limbs, whilst functioning, are aching. The house feels like a ship on the ocean. There is a clamping feeling pressing on each side of my head. Sickness is the order of the day!

 

Adding pressure on myself, I really need to work on my PhD. One skill I have developed since developing this illness is typing with my eyes closed. 

 

In the early days, I used to panic, the anxiety would consume me. The boys were so young and needed me to be fighting fit. I felt guilty I was not! I still suffer from anxiety, but it is manageable most of the time. There are days I want to give up and days when I just sit and cry from frustration, but I have learned to really appreciate the “good” days and not feel guilty at resting when appropriate.

 

The lockdown has meant I don’t have to worry about being out and dealing with the noise, the lighting, the sensory overload and asking people to repeat themselves. 

 

For me, by far the worst feeling is being in the room but not feeling present, like an out of body experience. A George Bailey moment of looking in but not being there. It causes me the greatest anxiety as I look at people and wonder if they know what I am feeling, and they are judging me. The tinnitus has the same effect. When it is really loud, I am second guessing whether the words coming out of my mouth are actually making sense at all. Makes me feel people will judge me as being a useless orator or communicator. Sometimes silence is a better option but equally as frustrating!

 

Every attack brings some very strange side effects. One of them is smelling and tasting a particular type of food without it even being present. For example, fish and chips. I can smell and taste them so even my cup of tea tastes of fish and chips!! The human body is weird and wonderful in equal measure.

 

Maintaining a sense of humour is an important coping mechanism for me. I try to stay positive, some days I am successful, others I am totally miserable! But always honest! There is no respite … a constant, never ending cycle of trying to stay well and manage the good and bad days. It is a full time job in addition to life!

 

I am sickly exhausted again now. It is only 11am! I hope this has given an insight and provides some comfort to fellow sufferers. Love to hear from you and how you manage your illness.

 

Stay Safe

Be the change ...

As you probably know by now, I am exploring a new pedagogy for computing in secondary schools, looking at the possibility of an online system encapsulating online exams, testing and teaching performance in one system. It is a passion of mine as I believe EVERY child deserves the opportunity to learn computing skills. At present, under the new computing curriculum if a student does not select computer science for their GCSE, after the age of 14, in some schools, they receive NO computing or digital skills training at all. This will result in a huge skills gap and skills deficit in the future.

 If you can indulge me a little, I would like to explain my background and how this became a passion and my mission in life. I was born in East Leeds, a deprived area of the city. My father was a bus driver, my mother a full time stay at home Mum. I was a mistake and for my whole life, my mother and sister made sure I knew I was and did everything they could to prevent me from having and pursuing my dreams.

I have always been fascinated with NASA and space travel, probably the idea of escaping! So, in the 1980s, when computing was initially introduced into school, I was devastated when I was told, I was not smart enough to study the subject. Back then, it was solely programming, I was also told I was too smart to sit RSA Typing, both skills I ended up teaching myself in a twenty-year career in Insurance Broking.

When I passed my A Levels, I had the opportunity to go to university and would have been the first to attend but, I am ashamed to say, I let my mother and sister talk me out of it and wear me down, making me believe I would never be good enough. The only option I had was to go out to work.

Thankfully, I had a very successful career in insurance broking for twenty years and then was hit by a mystery illness. It took three years for me to receive a diagnosis for Meniere’s Disease and a further ten years for Vestibular Migraine. During this time, I lost everything – my job, my home, my marriage, my subsequent relationship and my income. I used my savings, sold my clothes, missed meals to feed, clothe, educate and single-handedly raise my two amazing children.

I could have given in and believe me, there were times when I wanted to, but I am a fighter! So, in 2008 I embarked on a degree in Business Information Systems and whilst working part time, managing my illness and raising my children, I managed to achieve a first-class honours degree. After graduating, I wrote and published two fiction novels, but it is difficult to promote anything when you have no money to do so.

In 2017, I graduated with a distinction as Master of Science in Information Technology. My eldest son also graduated with a BA in Sports and Social Science.

I was written off … twice! Firstly, by my narcissistic relatives then by Meniere’s and Vestibular Migraine. Education has taught me that the system is not set up to help people like from with my background or from communities like mine. You have to fight the system every step of the way and that is not right. It is a huge mountain to climb. So I am studying my PhD for many reasons but the overriding reason is to provide social justice to the children who are being cast aside as deemed as “not smart enough”; for those children who have parents who don’t care or want to hold them back and for those people with disabilities and single parents that are derided by our politicians. Yes, I class myself as a misfit and have a far from normal life. BUT the world needs misfits in order to question and put the wrongs right in our society.

The personal cost is huge. There is no scholarship available as, as a single Mum with an illness, I need to study at the closest University to home. I do have the student finance, but this is £25,000 over 4 years. The fees alone are take up the majority of this, leaving with about £40 per week for three of us to live on. We are literally living hand to mouth, my children have not had a holiday in years and doing it without a scholarship means I have to miss out seminars, conferences and additional resources but I am determined to smash every barrier to deliver for the young people of this country. I am just a single Mum, with a horribly unpredictable illness trying to help young people.

We don’t need politicians to effect change. REAL change comes through caring enough to want to be part of that change.

Best wishes