- Retreated into myself causing anxiety and depression on top of the anxiety and depression caused by Meniere's.
- Started feeling really negative about Meniere's Disease.
Saturday, 10 June 2017
No one sees the true struggle of an invisible illness. For a long time, I literally hid mine, pretended it did not exist. If I forgot something or couldn't string a sentence together in front of people, I would simply try to gloss over it. Trouble is, people, especially nasty people, don't brush over it. They pounce on at as a weakness. They attack you thinking they've hit a major flaw and they capitalise, exploit it. SHAME ON THEM!
When they do this, you go into defensive mode – it's natural but unnecessary mechanism. Nevertheless, it is the natural response to nasty people. When I was personally attacked, I did two things:
The insecurity caused is exactly what the bullies want and seek but when you're fighting illness and pain every day, the last thing you need is more attacks from ignorant, bigoted people. Then, when I plucked up the courage to fight back, I was accused of being a sociopath. They made me realise that whatever I did, they would not change – it was them not me!
This is why I have sympathy with Diane Abbott. It seems in life, no matter how hard you try, there are people who will always attack you, always think they are better than you and that, somehow, they have the right to judge and attack you and should not be challenged over their nasty behaviour!
1st lesson: they are WRONG not YOU.
I suppose I was wrong in denying my illness but that’s absolutely no excuse for nasty, ignorant people. We do smile and carry on but if you stop due to illness you're demonised as lazy and scroungers.
2nd lesson: You're wrong in some people's eyes no matter what you do.
Whilst Meniere's Disease is a total pain in the backside, I celebrate it as part of me. It's here. It's invaded but it has not conquered, neither will nasty women who want to put me down because of their own insecurities. What they don't realise is most people with invisible illnesses fight every day. They are the strongest people in the world.
3rd lesson: BE YOU.
It pisses them off if you pick yourself up and dust yourself down but this is what you do every day, right? I do, quite literally after drop attacks! If you can live through every day with pain and illness, you're already a thousand times better than your doubters.
Let them get on with their miserable lives and you live yours! At the end of it, you'll be more fulfilled that they can ever imagine. This month I work on my final dissertation – I will have a MSc in IT – little old me!! Just remember your 50% contribution is likely to be more than their 100%!!!
Get well soon Diane. We're all human beings figuring out how to get through life but few, like Diane, give their whole lives to help others.
PGCE Computer Science
I did it! I'm in. From September, I am studying a PGCE in Computer Science. It's my time to help young people reach their full potential.
After this week's election rhetoric, the Nanny seems more relevant than ever. I have so much material now, it looks like I'll be ditching the sleep!
I am super proud of the manifesto, our leader, Jeremy Corbyn and every member of the party for running such a positive campaign. This was a dress rehearsal that exceeded all expectation. Bring on October, when I think, we will be voting again. JOIN LABOUR
– be part of the caring, united UK we desperately need!
There have been two elections called by the Tories in two years – both have caused total chaos! May got her coalition of chaos! Her actions have demonstrated she does NOT care about this country, only fulfilling her own selfish ambitions. In that respect, she epitomises the Tories perfectly!
Right, I'm off for my CT scan in our glorious 24-hour NHS. Let's see what the Docs make of my brain… medals for them at the ready.
Friday, 2 June 2017
Yesterday was my birthday. I am one year younger than Sgt Peppers! It was an extraordinary day which started with waking up to two unexpected emails. The first was from a publishing company wanting to have a look at Beyond the Lies and another from a production company advising they would like to take a look at Streetwise. Both on the same day! On my birthday! If I’m honest I had to check they were legit! They are.
At 11am I had a Master’s presentation that went really well.
When I returned home I was lavished with love and gifts from the boys. What makes this year so special is they have done it all themselves. I have never felt so loved and appreciated. I am so, so blessed.
Only Trump tainted the day with his ridiculous, narcissistic withdrawal from the Paris climate agreement – there is always one!
We have one week to go to the General Election in the UK. To say I am proud of the Labour Party under Jeremy Corbyn would be the under-statement of the year! As much as I wanted to be on the doorstep, the drop attack has scared me so I’ve been frantically doing all I can to promote and sell the policies in other ways. Sometimes you have no choice but to listen to your body. I have a CT scan this next week. Hopefully it will give us an idea of what is going on in my head – and that is a very scary thought!
I’ve even had to cancel our weekend to Liverpool for the Sgt Pepper’s 50th anniversary celebrations. I am truly gutted and frustrated!
Today I listened to Labour’s industrial strategy covering small businesses, climate change, sustainability and research and development. It is very exciting, transformative, innovative and inspirational. We finally have a party who will consult with a wide range of people and LISTEN. I make no apologies for backing a party that gives mine and everyone’s children a brighter future. Isn’t what we all want?
The manifesto is well worth a read and can be found here - Manifesto. Please judge for yourself.
Getting interest from a publisher and production company has reinvigorated my desire to continue to write. Now I am cracking on with the Nanny and my Master’s dissertation. I do have a 500 words essay to write on why I want to teach Computer Science for my interview next Thursday. I may have Meniere’s but it will NOT stop me from living a full life.
Well, that is me for now. We were going to have barbecue but the British weather has temporarily halted this until tomorrow afternoon. Have a fabulous, safe and happy weekend.
Monday, 29 May 2017
Meniere’s has taught me so much and completely transformed my life… for the good, the bad and the downright ugly.
It lured me into a false sense of security, made me believe in some miracle cure... then wham… it struck! It’s like a volcano – lays dormant until it chooses to waken… then strikes with ferocity and anger, the eruption coming anytime, anywhere and usually when you least expect it or want it!
A month on from my recent drop attack, I still feel like crap. It’s, once again, stripped me of all my self-confidence and if I didn’t force myself to leave the house, I would become a total recluse – not a bad idea when it’s not forced upon you!
I ventured into University for a meeting with my Master’s supervisors. The feeling of the sun on my face was amazing but the speckles glistening on the floor of the food hall made me feel I was back on that ship in a force ten gale. It’s horrifying to feel the rug being pulled from under you! The meeting was good apart from sitting there trying to hide the swaying and sickness feeling whilst speaking coherently.
No matter how much Meniere’s thinks it is winning, life must still go on. I have caught up on my Masters works mainly by typing with my eyes shut and working at 3am when I could not sleep. I’ve done it… all five of them and three presentations. Are they perfect? NO! One, in particular, is well below par. Realistically, I’ve downgraded my target of distinctions across the board to a merit overall. A pass is a pass – sometimes only a compromise will work! It’s not okay as I wanted to hit my target but what can I say? I’m a fighter!
I now have three months to work on my final dissertation and thankfully, I have some of the work already done. I feel I’ve overcome the hardest part of the Masters – it is not the reading, research or writing – the hardest challenge was being able to meet the very tight deadlines! Again, I have found limitations in my capabilities - live and learn!
For the last three days, I’ve had an eye infection – a by-product of the fluid I think. I’ve finally, after a thirteen-year fight, been given a date for a CT scan. We can finally see what is going on in my head – I pity the doctor who should see that!!
My Masters dissertation covers a subject close to my heart – computer science in schools. I think our children are being short changed by our education system particularly in secondary schools. I would like to develop this further in a PhD which will start in 2018. Between now and then, after my MSc IT, I am going to doing a PGCE – teaching course in Computer Science. I have my interview on election day! Wish me luck!
I am still writing… well…typing…with my eyes shut. All I can say is thank goodness for grammar and spell check. Some of the spellings are very funny indeed. I have looked at voice recognition software which I may invest in later.
My latest project is to find a literary agent. It’s blooming tough. Believe me, writing 100,000+ words are the easy part!
How can we solve the problems if we can’t have a grown-up debate about them? However uncomfortable the subject, in a democracy, we must be able to discuss issues openly. Terrorism IS a by-product of disputes and wars. That fact does not detract from the evil of perpetrators or the suffering of the victims. It means we can start to look at ALL these issues and look at how best we stop atrocities from happening.
In protecting its citizens, the Government should look at ALL aspects of evil including turning the spotlight on themselves. The nasty Tory rhetoric of xenophobia fuels hatred and must stop as well as their collusion with States who fund terrorism. Someone is paying for the equipment, the training – who? Why? How? It is common sense and Jeremy Corbyn is absolutely right but then he has been on the right side of wrong decisions over the last 30 years. He has earned his right to be listened to and is a true principled statesman. Everyone deserves peace!
Last Tuesday in Manchester was horrific and I find it hard to put into words how sickening it was. My heart felt love goes out to everyone affected. This includes our amazing emergency teams – doctors, nurses, paramedics, police, armed forces, firemen. We all take them for granted. People don’t join our emergency services for the money (what money??). They join because they possess one of our true British values – they want to help other people. They deserve, not just our respect but our backing and they deserve to be given the tools for them to do their jobs effectively. Please vote Labour on the 8th June and give our amazing emergency services what they need and truly deserve.
Life is so precious! Celebrate it! Live it!
Sunday, 14 May 2017
Time to pin your colours to the mast… for me… it is RED all the way for me!!
Anyone who knows me, knows I love inspirational quotes and signs – not signs as in cosmic revelations (you know what I mean!) but placards around our home giving inspiration to the boys and me.
This one I saw this week for a bargain price of 90p. It really captures the mood of the General Election, don’t you think?
We have an obvious choice – continue with the status quo where only 1% of the population have the rewards on the back of the hard work of the 99% or we choose a peacekeeping statesman who wants to stand up for all of us. For so many years people have told me ‘they’re all the same’ and ‘why vote…nothing changes’.
PEOPLE! If voting did not make a difference – they would have given it freely without a fight!
PEOPLE!! The world does NOT have to be this way – we don’t have to:
- Fight wars
- Have children in poverty in 2017!
- Have ill people dying from inhumane sanctions
- Have schools where parents pay for essential equipment
- Have women prove they were raped
- Have essential services – fire, police and NHS on their knees
- Have infrastructure not fit for purpose
- Have corporations exploiting workers and avoiding paying tax! We can’t, why should they?
AND we certainly do NOT need the return of barbaric fox hunting!!
This week’s cyber-attack has been a bit of a “I told you so” moment. I have been banging on about the real risk of cyber terrorism and it has fallen on deaf ears. The fact that Trident is controlled by computers and so are our national grid and water services, should make everyone very nervous indeed!
Labour all the way
I am immensely proud of the Labour manifesto. Every announcement this week has given me goose bumps. There is real hope for the future. Progressive policies, sensible costings, peace and prosperity for all but do you know what I love the most? IT’S COMPASSION.
Tackling loneliness, homelessness, job insecurity, providing lifelong learning – my struggle after losing my job through Meniere’s would have been much easier!!
Patriotism is not waving a flag, attacking people from different countries or cultures or singing a national anthem. Patriotism is paying your taxes, treating every citizen with dignity and providing an environment where everyone can make their contribution.
Meniere’s is preventing me from canvassing this time but I’ll do everything I can to give my children and everyone hope for their futures – Jeremy has handed hope to all of us. Grab it with both hands. Really…what do you have to lose?
IT’S NOW OVER TO US. We do have incredible power in our hands… if we use it wisely.
Steps to change our country:
- Register to vote here - deadline 22 May 2017.
- Read what is on offer – don’t rely on the media – don’t let them lie or hoodwink you!
- USE YOUR VOTE!
Do NOT lose your voice and if you don’t vote… don’t moan!
Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour is giving this country hope. If Brexit was taking back control… this Labour manifesto takes it back and hands it to each one of us. How exciting is that?
Choose wisely my friends
Why can’t people be nice?
Why do people want to play me? I just don’t get it. Yesterday, a girl who has totally ignored me and written some inaccurate stuff about me, based on someone else’s lies, wanted to befriend me. I am guarded due to past experiences especially when she’s already said she doesn’t want to get to know me. Being a budding MI5 agent (I wish!!). I did some digging. To be fair it was not that hard. People who play games tend to give themselves away on social media. I may be naively trusting but I am not stupid. Research is a wonderful gift.
Meniere’s has taught me life is way too short to put up with silly girls and silly games.
The world is a tough place and there are so many issues we can concentrate our efforts on. Small minded people play games – caring and trusting people make the world a much better place for EVERYONE!
It is always acceptable for you to say NO to being treated badly! Remember that! I wish I had learned that years ago. You don’t have to suffer to be polite! Stuff that. If they can’t treat you well, don’t have them in your lives! You deserve to be treated so much better than that.
It’s my birthday soon and the boys have bought me an early birthday present. I’m not sure Theresa May will approve!! It’s great isn’t it!
Right, I’m off to do the ironing. This afternoon we are at a children’s birthday party…well Lucas is. I may have to try and find a TV screen for the Liverpool game or F1. Have a lovely day and week.
Wednesday, 10 May 2017
I’m all over the place at the minute. When I was diagnosed with Meniere’s Disease, the Consultant did tell me it was very early days and it would become progressively worse. That was fourteen years ago. There have been good and bad periods and recently, up to last week, I went through a great spell. I thought, by some miracle, I had been cured! Then last Sunday knocked me for six when I had a sudden drop attack. No warning, just bang! Totally out of the blue whilst out canvassing for the election.
My confidence is at an all-time low again. I am scared to go out and have to force myself to do everyday things like shopping, schools run because I have to. I have no choice. I have help from Wes and Lucas and that is it. You see – people just don’t understand and I have not got the patience to sit and explain it repeatedly in the hope that the penny will finally drop.
I am desperately trying to get well as I can’t afford to be ill both financially and physically. I have so much to do. For now, I have had to slow down which is impacting on my Master’s degree and my future plans. The bright side is the doctors have finally conceded to run further tests and do a CT scan. I may even get the chance to change from the awful Consultant I have. Every cloud has a silver lining!! For now, I have to sit back and let the world pass me by. Today I feel like I’m on a ship in a rough storm, tomorrow it could be a gentle sway. Who knows?
The frustration of not being able to campaign in this election, complete my Masters assignments and spend time in the sun with my boys is overwhelming at times. I hate it! Don’t ever take your health for granted or spend time on insignificant, trivial matters. Live life to the full – everyday!
I’m typing most of this with my eyes shut and occasionally open them to see red and blue lines across the page! Need more practice but wish I didn’t have to.
The writing is on hold this week too
It's SATs week for Lucas. I am have been so impressed with him and the school who have gone out of their way to ensure no pressure has been placed on the children. They even sent a small survival pack out to all the children - very clever :
I am so proud of Jeremy Corbyn and the Labour Party. It is one of the hardest challenges in
|Source UK Labour|
Things cannot go on the way they are but I fear people will not see the potential in Labour’s policies and vote for a woman who has consistently lied throughout her time in Cameron’s Government and as Prime Minister. As a proud, intelligent Yorkshire lass, I find it deeply insulting the Conservatives think by replacing their name with “Theresa’s Team” us up north will be hoodwinked into supporting her. A sheep in wolf’s clothing!
Going forward, the Labour Party and the trade unions need to establish a policy and research centre to focus on future educational and job requirements, preferably set up in Leeds (hint! hint!).
Sunday, 30 April 2017
Meniere's scared me today. I went out canvassing for the election and had a drop attack within ten minutes of being out. Honestly… I am not safe to be let out! The hardest parts of it - the embarrassment and frustration. It resulted in cut hands, knees and ankle. I did carry on and finished but this afternoon I’ve been laid up. I feel like I have been in the ring with Anthony Joshua (what a brilliant fight last night, by the way). The blurred vision and sickness has subsided now but the brain fog has not lifted. I can’t move fast so laid up writing this with my eyes shut – yes, I have learned to type with my eyes shut! Quite an achievement.
I have so much to do and know I have pushed myself too far which now means I have at least 24 hours of rest! It’s such a pain… in the you know where!
I am determined I will campaign for a Labour Government led by Jeremy Corbyn but I may have to concede it is not quite safe enough for me to be let loose on the streets! If you follow this blog you will know I have never been shy in sharing my socialist beliefs. I don’t buy into the selfish “I’m alright Jack” attitude and I don’t believe the majority of human beings do either.
Jeremy Corbyn is a decent, hardworking man full of honesty and integrity. If you want a “normal, rehearsed and groomed” MP he is not your man. I am sick of hearing soundbites and pre- written spin doctor rhetoric. It is time for a change. I want to hear sincerity, from the heart. It is time for a man who is not afraid to stand by his principles and cannot be bought! Equality and justice runs through his veins. Listen to his speeches – it is not “me” or “I” – it is we and us! We can do this people. Please do not stand by and watch people suffer – homelessness, poverty and disability discrimination and harassment. Please do not stand by and watch the national debt rise whilst public services are starved of cash. Have you ever wondered where the money has really gone? Jeremy Corbyn has already changed the course of history. People are now asking questions and engaged in the debate. The Tories thought they could ride rough shot over everyone…they can think again! Personally, I don’t see how anyone with a heart can turn their back on the most vulnerable in our society – helping others and being a community are true British values.
Last night I attended Richard Burgon’s campaign launch with the formidable Dennis Skinner. Thirty-three years ago, during the miner’s strike, I first listened to Dennis speak in Barnsley. He blew me away then and has not changed one single bit. An incredible socialist and thoroughly wonderful human being. It was Richard’s uncle, Colin who took me to that first meeting. I have a lot to thank him for.
Just remember it is tough standing against the crowd but absolutely necessary to stand by the truth
This week, I’ve been working on a new plan for a screenplay along with trying to finish five… yes five Master’s papers. I can say without doubt the Masters has been the hardest project I have undertaken but strangely I am the happiest I have ever been. I do love a challenge but maybe need to accept I am only a dizzy human.
That is all I can manage today. Have a great bank holiday (UK) and don’t stop following your dreams. HOPE is what we all have and it’s not taxed or banned… yet!
Saturday, 8 April 2017
Bullying builds an artificial wall of isolation
For a long time, I thought I needed someone with me to fix me. I realise what I needed was time to fix myself. When a child asks an adult for help against unfair treatment and injustice, you don’t expect to hear, “this is how all families behave.” I put off having my second child because I was afraid Wes would suffer the way I did. Being alone and being ganged up on are the worst feelings in the world.
I needed this single time to make sense of my past. I look at how close Wes and Lucas are now and how other families behave and know what I experienced was… just plain… wrong. Going it alone was a hard decision but the right decision. As Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.” I’ve stopped blaming myself for other people’s bad behaviour. I gave too much respect to the wrong people and didn’t respect myself enough to stop it until last year. I naively thought if I gave more love, it would make them stop and love me back. Now I see the flaws in my logic!
I want people to understand they don’t have to put up with bad behaviour from ANYONE. Don’t accept what makes you miserable. In the last twelve months, the transformation has been incredible. Yes, I have confidence issues but I’ve forced myself out of the comfort zone – you can’t get much further than comfort than a Masters and writing! I have found an inner peace I never thought existed but most of all, I have forgiven myself for my naivety and misplaced loyalty.
My family’s time is now. The love and bond we have has strengthened hundred-fold in the last twelve months. We argue, debate, laugh and cry but fundamentally we have each other’s backs. That is priceless and all I ever wanted. The boys have taught me true, unconditional love. A new cycle has started and the future is amazingly exciting.
The hardest thing for me is opening up and telling my story. I simply don’t trust anyone. Why would I? I’ve had a lifetime of people using my “weaknesses” as sticks. Writing this is making me so anxious. However, I don’t want other people to suffer in silence.
Bullying builds an artificial wall of isolation. You don’t know who to trust but worse it has been drilled into you that no one will believe you! A lifetime of ‘you’re too sensitive’ takes its toll. I am teaching myself to build new relationships with genuinely, lovely people. In the words of one of my absolute heroes “it’s just like starting over”.
Pin your colours to the mast
I have had a bit criticism on social media this week over my outspoken political views. I want to make it clear – I AM A VERY PROUD SOCIALIST. NOW is the time to pin your colours to the mast.
This week I was devastated at the images coming from Syria BUT just as devastated with
How much better would the world be if we scrapped all labels and referred to everyone as human beings. Every life matters not some more than others!
In terms of the UK, I am totally disgusted with the ongoing attacks on the disabled and people who have found themselves in tough times. I am a single mother and it is tough BUT I am not a scrounger. I am not in this position because I chose it! I am the one that did not desert my children because circumstances changed. People need to stop listening to the divisive crap being peddled and start to think logically for themselves. I have more in common with a Mum in Syria trying to keep her children safe, than I do with an elite politician who votes to take £30 per week off disabled people whilst taking a £76,000 basic salary! It is gross abuse of public office.
Okay… now breathe… LOL.
I am off now to York with Wes and Erin. Have a fabulous weekend.