Wednesday, 5 April 2017

I’m doing fine now… most of the time.

I have found it really tough this week. Money… or lack of it, Masters work, writing, Meniere’s, keeping the house going and looking after the boys is a tough ask for anyone. I wouldn’t have it any other way but some days I have this overwhelming feeling of the odds being so heavily stacked against me that I can’t continue. It is compounded by the anger I feel towards the people who psychologically abused me. It’s a never-ending battle of no longer wanting them to influence my life whilst trying to come to terms and get over the damage they did to my self-esteem and self-confidence. It is hard to explain how much damage is done by people telling you your gut instincts are ridiculously wrong when it turns out those instincts were perfectly right all along. It is a real art form for someone to lie to your face whilst doing what they categorically deny doing. This has a knock-on effect to all future relationships because you don’t know who you can trust. Manipulation is a terrible human trait. I am on the mend but accept it is going to take a lot longer than I anticipated to get over all of this. I need to give myself a break. My stubbornness and my drive to ensure the boys are proud of their Mum will not allow me to give up.

Kicking all negativity out of your life, does give you clarity. I don’t think I would have analysed and accepted the pain of my past without putting my foot down and stopping the circle of abuse. I certainly would not have been able to do a Master’s degree and write the way I am now. Nor would I have had the relationship I have with the boys. We are stronger and closer than ever. We all have peace in our lives and we enjoy each other’s company. Everything is natural and calm.

From my boys
I have five Masters papers to write before the 13th May so a meltdown this week was not ideal. I do pick my moments! I am only human… I think I’ll have this printed in huge letters above my bed so I remind myself of it every morning. I do believe the only way you can recover is to hit the problems head on… what I was not prepared for was the realisation of the impact of my past hitting me square in the face, some days more than others. However, to those bullies… up yours!! We are doing fine!
I am so thankful I have Wes and Lucas. Wes is so strong and able to calmly discuss this with me. It is so important to have someone to talk to who understands the pain. Today is much better. I still have brain fog and feel a bit like I’m only just returning to my body. Nevertheless, I have done lots of research and sorted out all the urgent tasks. I will not give up and I will not let my past define me. To anyone struggling now… talk to someone. Don’t suffer in silence and you don’t have to accept a situation that causes you distress. This is your life… yours.

I’ve made mistakes, I’ve trusted the wrong people but I have two fabulous boys, a brain that works… most days and the drive to prove to myself I can succeed. I can and I will one task, one day at a time.

I have so much to be thankful for and so much to look forward to. Spring has sprung!

I’m off to do more research on agile governance and IT. Wish me luck… and thank you, for your support and generosity.

Much love

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