Saturday, 1 November 2014

This Yorkshire rose is finally rid of those thorns...

I am a Yorkshire rose. I have blossomed, wilted but now I am in full bloom once more! 

I admit I have made mistakes, I’ve apologised when I’ve been wrong and I’ve picked myself back up more times than a blooming yo-yo (clean comparison!). I’ve failed but then not given up. Wes once said to me that I have lived at least four lives already in my lifetime and now I am on my fifth. It is very true.  All I want to do is teach the boys that it is perfectly okay to get things wrong and perfectly okay to adapt and change to the circumstances this wonderful life presents to you.

The truth is, Menieres and nasty, manipulative bullies have severely affected my self-confidence and self-esteem. I have found it really hard, almost impossible at times to leave the house and speak to people. In fact, sometimes it has taken all my resolve just to leave the house let alone speak to anyone!

Just after my degree my confidence was very good. I managed to get over all the past traumas and had started to learn to live with Menieres. Unfortunately my confidence took a severe beating when I deflected trouble from Wes by taking some terrible abuse from a twitter troll who was a parent at the rugby club. Ultimately Wes was forced out of the club but their master plan of getting him out of the scholarship failed miserably and now, as you know, he has his academy place and working hard, as he always does. At the same time this was happening, I was gripped with the worst episode of Menieres I had experienced and they knew I was too! I almost gave up. I really wasn’t well, I was fighting a losing battle and I was exhausted. I still don't understand why I attract people who are friends to my face but evil towards me behind my back. Thank goodness past experience taught something didn't feel quite right. It was actually their paranoia that gave them away. You see everything I posted on social media was, according to them, a dig at them. Nothing was ever about them because I thought they were friends. Clearly not! Even after I blocked them,they still insisted my timeline was about them! Arrogance is so unattractive.The lies that have been told and believed by people who don't know me!

Once I'd uncovered the truth I didn’t leave the house for weeks and I certainly stopped going into Wetherby. I wilted!! 

BUT, and it’s a big BUT. The support we received from Sheffield Eagles and the rugby league community, and the knowledge I had beaten off more intelligent opposition pulled me through. I got the Menieres under control, we moved to a new, more welcoming rugby club and my determination to beat the demons was stronger than ever.  I dragged myself out and made a point of going to Wetherby. Slowly but surely my confidence started to rebuild and I started to bloom again. Then Catherine at Sant Angelos offered to host my book launch. That one act of generosity meant so much.

I always question what I am about to do. I have always believed I am not brave enough to commit to something without hesitation. This was so true when it came to writing a blog.  I really wasn’t sure to put myself out there. What if nobody reads it? What if I get trolled? What if I can’t write anything interesting? The old Pam would have given up at that point. I would have talked myself out of it. I am so glad I ignored the old Pam! Isn’t it funny how you get older but newer at the same time?  This rose chooses to bloom and therefore I become newer as I get older. Nearly 10,500 views really, really humbles me.

Look at me now!! My book is selling. I have made some amazing new friends and the boys are thriving in all aspects of their lives. This blog, the one I wasn’t even going to write, has now been shortlisted for a National UK Blog Award and I couldn’t be more excited. I am so so proud of myself. Me! Little old me! What a year 2014 has been for my lovely ‘non-conventional’ family. Do you know something? We deserve it! We have worked incredibly hard and we are going to celebrate our successes whether people like it or not. Quite frankly I have made a breakthrough. I no longer care! 

To those who have watered me, provided me with warmth and sunshine  - thank you from the bottom of my heart.  To those few people who judged me without knowing me, berated without justification and became an expert on my life - thank you for motivating me to prove you wrong. You’ve helped this Yorkshire rose to grow even stronger.  We can all be roses in a fabulously blooming garden. Just believe in yourself but more importantly BE YOU.

Beyond the Past

I love to hear that people have really enjoyed reading my debut novel and thank you for your feedback. Feel free to leave your feedback on Amazon or my website

I am just tidying up the last chapter of the first draft of Beyond the Lies. It should be finished this weekend HOORAY!!! I then have ten outlines to choose from for my next novel.Decisions, decisions.

Thank you to each and every one of you for reading my blog and supporting me on this new journey. I am confident that moving forward will be positively perfect, well as perfect as this wonderful life can be.



The first three chapters of Beyond the Past are posted on my website to give you a taster 



Lots of love 

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