Wednesday, 17 August 2016
Life is blooming tough…but thrilling too
I am currently dealing with so many issues, I feel like my head is about to explode. It's tough being on your own. We all need a sounding board but we don’t want to sound like we're moaning all the time.
One of the side effects of Meniere's is lack of self-confidence. It's tough to know when the next attack will strike. Do you stay in? Do you venture out? Do you tell people about your illness? Do you keep it to yourself? Will people understand? Will people misunderstand when you can't attend events? Whilst I try to get on with life and, I think, I do quite well most of the time, I do have days when I can't breathe from the fear within me. This fear has also been fed by the terrible monster unleashed by peoples' lies about me. They have killed my self-esteem and confidence many times over. I am trying to come to terms with years of being told my instincts were wrong and I was paranoid, only to discover and prove beyond any doubt, my instincts were 100% correct and I wasn't paranoid…EVER!
I am not angry at the lies. I'm angry that I spent all my life second guessing because I believed I couldn't trust my own instincts. When people I loved told me I was wrong, I was paranoid and stupid, I genuinely thought there was something wrong with me. For years, I have avoided relationships and friendships because I thought I was incapable of being loved or loving back. Can you imagine that?
When I finally had irrefutable evidence, I was angrier with myself, than the perpertrators. I had allowed myself to be manipulated. I couldn't work out what I had done to deserve the treatment I received. Now, I don’t think I did anything wrong other than denying it was happening and not turning my back on it years ago.
From day to day I get flashbacks of events that happened many years ago – my reactions to them range from anger, sickness and floods of tears. It is all part of the healing process and I am so thankful Wes has been helping me to come to terms with it. Some days are better than others but I have no choice other than to work through this while keeping my head held high, bring the boys up, support them, the house and forge a new career for myself. I realise just how strong and determined I am.
Lies MUST be uncovered and called out but more importantly, people need to accept the consequences of those lies and the bullying and manipulation that follows when trying to cover up the lies. Honesty is the best policy. Own your mistakes, apologise where you need to and most of all, LEARN not to repeat.
I am impatient. The trouble is, the enormity and emotions of the events take over every single aspect of your life. The fight to stop it taking over creates another conflict to get over! Some days, I feel like I am on a constant cycle of pain between a broken heart and broken ears. In between all this, I am trying to live my life and build a new career. I want to wave a magic wand, get over my past and move on. If only it was that simple! Instead, I am fudging day by day and know one day, hopefully not in the too distant future, the fudging will be replaced with calm acceptance of my new, peaceful life.
Until then, I accept the struggle but won't give up on my children or my dreams. My enrolling on a Masters course is part of the process of getting out and not hiding away. I love being around like minded people and if I can get over the fears instilled over many years of abuse, I know I can succeed in all of my dreams. I refuse to give up!!
Before anyone reads this as self-indulgent wallowing, it most certainly is NOT. So many people are lied to or lied about; so many people are bullied by the people who pretend to love them. I just want those people to know, you are not alone. Message me. I can't promise I have the answers but I can lend you an ear so you are not going through it all alone.
I confess, I have not written much over the last two weeks. I have been reading up on writing techniques and reading many writers' works. It's important to me to pick up the craft of writing and extend my knowledge but now it is back to finishing the work I have started.
This is progressing well. There is lots of research involved in this project which I absolutely love.
Is out in the market place, still.
I am looking forward to going back to University to study Information Technology. People are surprised when I tell them I am not doing a Master in writing but I want to broaden my horizon and my career prospects. Nothing wrong with having more strings to your bow.
I can’t wait to get stuck into my new challenge and know I can do this and write. I will still be pursuing funding for my PhD.
I am off to get ready for the first pre-season football training session this evening. I do love the summer holidays but autumn is my favourite time of year. Good luck to all the students getting their A level results tomorrow. I do hope you get what you want. We are anxious here but it's not the end of the world or life and death!!
Have a fabulous week and please, be kind to everyone.