Tuesday, 9 June 2015

Making Peace with the intruder


Okay I hold my hands up and scream ‘I GIVE UP! YOU WIN!’ Like hell I do Menieres. You may be the unwanted intruder in my body but there is NO WAY you will beat me.  I lost my job, I have given up alcohol (I love wine) and I have restricted caffeine. Salt is an absolute NO NO but I refuse to give up my dreams.

When I was diagnosed with Menieres, my initial reaction was one of relief, yes relief. It wasn’t cancer, a tumour, I wasn’t going mad (well madder!), it was ‘only’ Menieres. Only Menieres – I laugh at that statement now. If I’m honest, I had the symptoms under control pretty quickly and for six years or so managed them really well. Unfortunately, when the Specialists told me the symptoms would get worse and I would have to manage them well, I thought ‘okay I can live with this.’ During the last twelve months the symptoms have got much, much worse. The attacks are more frequent but I know when they are about to start so I can manage them. What I find hard to manage is the tinnitus, the brain fog (which on some days makes it even hard to string a sentence together) and the exhaustion. Most of all, the over –riding feeling of utter frustration and uselessness. 

This intruder has become so much more annoying now and refuses to just let me be. In fact rather than it being a mere obstacle it is becoming a daily mountain to climb, one my little legs struggle with. Now I am on medication and can’t yet decide whether it is making it better or worse. Some days I get up and have nothing. I frantically run around on those days and get as much done as possible. Other days, I struggle to even get dressed – have you tried putting underwear on leaning against a wall with one hand so you don’t fall over!! Honestly I laugh at myself sometimes.

It truly is a never ending merry-go-round – haha, no pun intended! Stress and anxiety worsens the symptoms of Menieres and the symptoms of Menieres cause stress and anxiety!!! Some days I want to rip my ears off my head! I am starting Tinnitus therapy next week and I have visions of being able to suck the symphony out of my ears and stick their instruments ... well... you know where!!!

The truth is I am angry, annoyed, tired, sick, have brain fog, fed up of asking people to repeat themselves and sick of the outrageously annoying tinnitus caused by what I can only describe as an out of tune symphony orchestra that plays the loudest when I NEED to sleep.  How I miss silence. All this on top of raising two boys and forging a new career for myself. 

The only way I can stop myself from waving the white flag is to keep going. To make peace with my enemy… Menieres. I have learned to accept my limitations, know the days when I can’t even string three words together and make the most of the good days. A lottery win would help at least lessen the stress and anxiety (I know a cure for Menieres is more likely… maybe).  Most of all, I have to give myself a break. To accept the intruder is here to stay and can’t be ignored or kicked out. I don’t want sympathy or handouts I just want the chance to have a fair, decent crack at making a living around this annoying enemy within.

Whilst this intruder stole my peace, confidence and sleep, it allowed me to put my life into perspective and follow my dreams. For that, I am truly thankful.

Rugby League

Who decides that players and coaches are automatic role models? Let’s face it, as I have said before just because you play a sport it does not suddenly turn you into an angel. Shaun Wane of Wigan RLFC was wrong in what he said about the referee but come on, this is not tiddly winks. When adults in the public eye do stupid things, isn't it a great lesson for you to teach your child how NOT to behave. It's lazy parenting to assume someone else will be your child's role model.

Rugby League is a passionate sport and I don’t want that passion sucked out.  If I’m honest I don’t want my son to be someone else’s role model because he plays a sport. I want him to be a role model because he is a decent, caring human being with bags of honesty and integrity.

We travelled to South Wales this weekend. Although the result didn’t go our way, I was super proud of the teams’ efforts. It’s great to see Wes enjoying his rugby again with a great bunch of lads.


I think I’ve found my niche!! This week I have been busy writing a screenplay/ script – not sure of the correct terminology. I have taken some time to research and plan the script and I have thoroughly enjoyed doing it. I was a little nervous starting out but nothing ventured, nothing gained. It is very different from writing a book but I feel I am getting the hang of it. 

The screenplay is …. Haha I’m not telling yet but I can say:

Four lives, four deadly pasts, one common path

Beyond the Past

My debut novel is still available:

Have you had the chance to read it yet? Would you like to review it for me?

Read the first three chapters FREE on my website
Available from:
Pegasus Publishers
Amazon UK
Amazon US


Or you can order from your local bookshop. The ISBN number is : 978-1-84386-789-0

Beyond the Lies

I know people are waiting to read this sequel but I’ve learned many lessons over the last twelve months especially to trust my instincts. I promise though it won’t be long now.

Well, I am off to write. I miss my new characters which is always a good sign.

Have a great week. FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS.


  1. Pam great article! everything you said here sounds like it could have come out of my mouth. Thanks for this Blog.